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31 August 2010 @ 03:37 pm
Am I Wrong For Finding This Annoying?  
I spend a lot of time on dA, you know, so I tend to catch these "Can you help my friend so and so with..." journals now and then. I kind of feel a bit lame when I can't help this friend of my friend, so when a person I DON'T have to go through anyone to hear about their financial problems is the person to post a "I need money!" journal though a few mutual friends, I find it hard to wrap my head around the concept that I want to help, but I also feel like it's a pain in the ass.

The thought, "Why do I feel annoyed by this?" often crosses my mind. I think it's probably because it's someone I know personally this time. To further psychoanalyze myself, I could even go on to say that I'm the kind of twisted individual who feels envious of the person who's suffering. Why? Because three or four people that are mutual friends of this person and me threw themselves head-first off a cliff in her defense.

I'm pretty sure nobody would do that for me. I've always been sort of a loner anyway, and I've started to gravitate away from this group lately as well. For what purpose do I continue to hang around with people who make me feel so miserable, even if it's all in my head?

I find myself remembering things my dad used to tell me when I was a lot younger. Like how I should surround myself with successful people who're gonna make it somewhere in the world. What a crock. How am I supposed to look my dad in the eye and tell him, "Someone I considered outstanding and respectable who deserves to make it big is getting their ass handed to them by life." now that I can look back at that piece of advice and tell him I wish I had taken it?

I can't.

This is why I think I have some self-loathing issues to work out someday. I've been content for a while, yeah. Happy even. Maybe that's because I've been on vacation this whole time. I'm actually starting to feel like going home at the end of September would be nice. And then I start to feel like maybe I want to go home soon. I feel like I'm just falling into another boring routine like the one back home.

Then again, that's probably how vacations start to feel at the end.

Well, whatever. I'm happy with plenty of things in my life, and I'm starting this painstaking climb up the hill toward being an adult finally. I don't know what's up there, but I hope it's a nice view at least.

-End Transmission-

Current Location: Canada, Williams Lake
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: My Soul, Your Beats! by Lia